I’ve been looking everywhere for Truth. I've been obsessed with understanding the fabric and texture and laws of our universe, wondering incessantly about God and love and purpose and how to live a human life.
It brought me into an infinite fractal of information. This seeking, though based in genuine curiosity, was useful but ultimately misguided, because experience trumps intellect every time. I have studied many mystic traditions and I regret nothing. But as I went deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole, I discovered that I would never truly arrive at the answers I was looking for. Here’s what I’ve learned…
The quest for truth is not about answers at all. It’s about finding the questions that make the answers dissolve entirely. It is about letting the questions sing out inside me and allowing my life to be a living embodiment of the answer.
The quest for truth naturally begins as an external affair, but the gift of sovereignty requires that the seeker look in the one place she has never thought to look before - inside. We create our own meaning.
It has all come down to sovereignty for me. The years I have spent seeking the Truth in books and podcasts and gurus and shamans have been worthwhile, but they pale in comparison to the living wisdom inside of me.
No one is coming to save me. No one can give me the answers. The allies that I’ve found on this path are the ones who, when I’ve asked them for advice, continuously guided me back to myself. I said “I don’t know” and they replied, “but you do. Stay in the not knowing and watch it morph into Knowing”.
I have spent years dolling out my power to anyone with a yoga mat and bestseller. But it’s always been me. I am the only one who truly knows - how to run my business, how to live my life, how to heal my body, how to be in relationship.
And the time has come that I am so deeply tired of the drama and suffering I’ve created for myself, that I give up. I surrender. This external seeking is a fool’s game. The alchemical gold is the sanctuary of my inner Knowing
I can feel myself coming back into my body. I lay down all of my books and journals and urgency to figure out life. I fold my hands in my lap and I straighten my spine, flooded with peace and sadness and sobriety.
I discover that there are pools of grief here, washing over me, and I let them in. It hurts to know how long I’ve been away. And in the same breath, all is forgiven. I’ve not done anything wrong. All that matters is that I am here now.